WHAT MAKES YOUR HEART HEAVY?

I was able to attend an online mass earlier, something I have yet to be consistent on doing daily. Ang galing lang talaga ni Lord. Na kahit minsan lang ako makapag-mass, He will make sure na sulit na sulit ako sa pagdalo ko. I bet sa inyo rin.

Super *bang* sa akin itong tanong ni Fr. Dave. Personally, I think, madami akong load. Mental load, emotional load, spiritual load. And I think what makes my heart heavy as I carry these, eh yung fact na hindi ko naman agad-agad natatanggal itong mga load na ito.

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Need ko lang ata talaga i-surrender kay Lord… Pero minsan, bakit ang hirap, no?

Just last night, I lashed out on my 4-yo daughter. I really lost my patience. I was doing something na I thought might help me disciple people (honestly, mahina ata talaga ako sa discipleship… Hindi ako sure if effective akong instrument ni Lord sa mga ganyan…).

So, eto nga, I tried something last night. Tapos biglang sumingit si Sofie. Medyo naputol po talaga yung pisi ko ng pasensya…

Then after a couple of hours, nung tulog na si Sofie at nahimasmasan ako ng konti. I realized, she should have been a welcomed interruption for me. Kakasulat ko lang sa isang article na I submitted:

Things that delay us or disturb us provide us with better discernment.

So, ito yung mga nadiscern ko:
1. Hindi yung paraan na ginagawa ko kagabi yung magagamit ko effectively in discipleship. May mas much better na paraan pa si Lord na ihahanda for me;
and 2. simulan ko daw ang discipleship sa bahay: sa asawa at anak ko.

eh kagabi, parang bagsak ako sa ginawa ko sa #2.

What made my heart heavy? when I make other people’s hearts feel heavy.

Hindi ko nalang mapakita sa anak ko na nadurog din ako nung pinagalitan ko siya. Sobrang durog, at natakot na baka paglaki niya, ang maaalala niya is ang bad ng mommy niya. 😭😭😭😭

So this morning, nung magising siya, she’s not her usual self, na nasa hagdan palang pababa, tinatawag na ako. She approached me with fear, and may paglabas ng lower lip. Nakakaawa talaga… tapos, teary-eyed na nagsorry. Eh may kausap ako sa phone, so hindi ko talaga agad siya na-comfort.

Tapos dumating pa si manong laundry…

After nun, dun ko nalang siya hi-nug… 😔😔😔

Hindi ko alam how she will remember last night when she grows up. Somehow, it burdens me to think na I’ve impacted her life in the wrong way…

But then, because I have acknowledged these, I guess it would help me become and try harder to be a better mom.

At least it’s my first step (paulit-ulit ako nags-stumble, pero ang galing talaga na we have unlimited chances to rise up again, ano?) to really surrender everything to the Lord, and make my heart a little lighter each day.

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What do you think?