(Disclaimer: This entry was written exactly eight years ago in my own blog. You may notice that there was a change in my mood or in the topic I usually write about. But hopefully you may find it interesting that you might want to share it with someone who has experienced rejection or anything related to it.)
Warning: this can be very bitchy, and un-Christian-like…
Don’t you just hate being rejected? The discouragement it brings? The blow in the ego? The morale “burster” [as opposed to booster]? When we are rejected, we feel low, insignificant, powerless, neglected, and the saddest of all, unloved.
I could not count how many times I have felt rejected by people dear to me. Those whom I have known for a short time would not have too much an effect when I feel a dash of rejection from them. But those who really matter to me, just a hint of rejection is already painful.
Lately, I think I am on the other side… I am becoming the rejectee, instead of the rejected. And it doesn’t feel as much better as anyone thinks.
Everyone knows that I am actively serving the Lord through the Music Ministry. God knows how many people have seen me sing with other lead singers on stage. Some people come up to me, telling me how they have been inspired seeing me worshipping God on stage, and listening to me singing. I would say I am very exposed to the congregation, especially after 5 straight weeks that I had to serve.
Because of my Ministry and my service, I may sound egotistic to say, but I am not surprised that people admire me, or would have a crush on me, and would want to have me as a friend. They might have seen the love of God through my presence on stage. My friendly disposition must have enticed these people to want to get to know me more. I would not blame them, that the God who created all of us, somehow used me as an instrument to spread love and to be an inspiration for others.
However, let me explain a side of me that may be unacceptable, unloving, and unChristian-like, and a side that I may not be able to change over the next few weeks or months.
For as long as I can remember, I have been operating on Defense Mechanism mode. I know what rejection is like, and I don’t like being rejected, much more rejecting other people. Just so I wouldn’t be too aware of the rejection I may have made others feel, I tend to be suplada, especially if I feel a threat to my health and safety.
I maybe on total bitch mode when people ask for my number on the spot. Yes, I am being suplada, especially when I want to keep my privacy from these people. Yes, I know I’m rejecting these people, but I would rather reject them now, than endure awkwardness. People might say that the awkward stage would be over. But while it is still there, it is uneasy to get to know these people. I’m sorry, but I cannot always let others in.
Like anything that has life, relationships need time and nourishment to grow and develop. You can’t force it to grow by speeding up and asking questions that deem uncomfortable. It wouldn’t develop if one rejects it, or when one feels threatened by it.
So please, for those people who want to get to know me, take it slow. Don’t ask too much, but just go with the flow. I’m actually very talkative and I share a lot to people I feel comfortable to be with.