The Approval of God

Are you an approval addict?

I was, and maybe, I still am. I guess this was the root cause of my need for a digital detox for the past few weeks. I am longing and pathetically seeking for approval and affirmation that when others got more of it, I broke down.

Before you proceed in reading, make sure you are not going to judge me. I am again being my vulnerable self. You might be quick to judge and quick to blame me for the circumstances, and even quick to be angry at me. I assure you that this post may trigger a lot of those for you, so if you’re not able to hold back on whatever feelings you may have for me after reading, I suggest you don’t read on.

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A few weeks back, I was on an “online show” with 2 friends, and we shared our experiences online. It was somehow a way for us to help other people redirect their attention, away from the pandemic. But after around 10 or so episodes, we felt that we no longer had the energy to proceed.

We felt bad that we were somehow “begging” for attention. We were begging for people to engage. Our live views only reached 12 people at its peak, and the engagers, we felt weren’t so engaged. I somehow believed that maybe the people who watched felt bad that they were “forced” to engage out of pity.

That, to me, was pathetic.

Why did we start the show anyway? It was actually my husband’s idea, and that if it took off well, we’ll get support from people in our community. So we ran with a few episodes, waiting for some approval, that apparently wasn’t gonna come, because it wasn’t being considered in the first place.

They began to conceptualize another “program” and planned to have me as a host, but I was a bit busy at the time, and I felt that my heart wasn’t in it, so I had to hurriedly decline. But because a lot of people were involved, this program was approved, with a lot of support.

So that was when this feeling of neglect and betrayal began, for me. And yes, I blame others for this.

Somehow, if the show I began with my friends wasn’t going to get picked up, they could’ve have told us. We were even openly asking for comments on how we can improve. None came, so, that to me was of course disinterest. And a part of me believed that it was something that God did not approve as well, because eventually, my friends and I lost interest in it ourselves.

I felt bad that the other “show” got the promotion, the audience, the engagement, and the support that we hoped, begged, and swallowed our pride for. Yes, I felt insecure, and I felt pain, and even if I was acknowledging the pain, I wasn’t sure why I wasn’t healing fast.

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Okay, so I started making the draft of this blog 2 days ago. I have asked for prayers from other people, and somehow I was relieved of the pain a bit. I know that people might be offended with what I just wrote in the previous paragraphs, but I am sorry to say that I’m not sorry to write them, and I am not sorry to have felt them. It’s what I really strongly felt, and I would be lying to myself if I did not acknowledge it.

As one of my friends told me, we are not to please people, but to please God. And yes, it is inevitable that some people might get hurt, or they would have a different side to the story. So for those who were hurt, indulge me by letting me know, how and why.

The Gospel the day before this draft was made, somehow spoke to me, about righteousness and doing things for the sake of being seen. I felt that somehow, most of the things I did in the past, and perhaps even when I do things today, I still consider how other people would see it. I still aim for people to see it. But the thing is, I was always hoping that people see it so that God may be glorified.

But then, only God can make things be seen and make Him be glorified by it, right? Like, even if our intention is to bless people, it’s still God who’s going to bless them, not me, not us. And we are only to channel, to be made instruments of the blessing, and not be the blessing ourselves. Right?

And whenever we do things, should we have done them to give God glory, the approval and the reward should all come from God. That if we are waiting for the affirmations from other people, it could mean that we may no longer have those coming from God.

So am I still an approval addict? I guess so… And I might have been looking only from the wrong places. And if I seek it from the Lord, this is what I believe:

God approves of ME.
Regardless of what I do, think, and feel. Yes, He may not approve or affirm all of my actions, thoughts, and emotions. But if it’s just about me, and who I am, He approves it.

And so is He with You.

God bless you always!

– God-guided gal

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