I guess it’s just that time of the month, when I go to a corner of our room, or perhaps just in front of the sink, hiding my face beside the refrigerator, and asking myself, “Do I Matter?”
Like, if I die now. Who would be affected? Who would have their lives changed drastically?
I know I am but a grain of sand, and perhaps I have not made a mark in this world, or in any person’s world, for that matter. So, would it matter if I disappear? Would it matter to anyone if I’m gone?
There are times when I am so tired that some people need me. And then there are times when I wonder if I am needed at all. Going back to one of my previous questions, if I die now, would anyone care at all?
To be honest, the reason I also start writing this blog is because sometimes, I feel like God is speaking to me, but the message isn’t really for me. But actually, more often than not, He speaks to me with a message that I don’t need at the moment, but I would actually need a couple of days, weeks, months, or years from the time I wrote it.
And there are times when I had to go back to my older entries because I remembered that God already told me something about what I could be feeling at any given moment, and He already told me what I need to do, to dwell on, and to believe in. About His love for me, and how much I mean to Him.
Like this one time, I wrote about something that was almost the same as this one. And I don’t think anybody ever read that. No one even checked if I was okay.
Have I actually written anywhere at anytime that I have contemplated about suicide? That I actually tried poisoning myself, only to feel the stomachache, and nothing after that? And that I remember the pain so much that I would hope to not die feeling that way?
Have I actually written anywhere that I was bulimic? That I had low self-esteem and poor body image? That I hurt my back doing crunches, and deliberately do stuff that I know would hurt my abs, thinking that the more they hurt, the more it works? I never had the flat tummy I have always wanted. I would always have loose skin because I have a pear-shaped body.
And I would put it here, ’cause nobody reads my stuff anyways. I won’t think people would care. People would like the post when shared in my Facebook page. But the like is for the post, not for what I actually write. If this was even written, I’d get some reaction, right?
Then, somehow, when I relayed this to my husband, he reverted a question to me: what was my purpose in creating this blog? And I remember telling him that I wanted to bless people with it.
Then, an “aha” moment…
I cannot really bless other people… Only God can do that. I can write anything, and according to how God would like me to write something. But only God can really bless people with what they read here. And it does not work if I put stuff like these in here.
But then, I guess, I’m only being vulnerable?
And that in putting myself out there, I’m just letting people know that sometimes, I don’t feel God and that I have my low points. That I sometimes seek “social media” attention, when in fact, I should be promoting God and have the attention on Him.
And then I realize that God works hard on imperfect people (like me) because it showcases His strength. It reveals how our weaknesses can really glorify His power, especially when we rely on Him.
Shoot… Re-reading this post, and a lot of it doesn’t make sense. Even the featured image doesn’t! But will post it anyway.
Again, just a reminder: we would have our bad days even if we live good lives with the Lord. What matters is that we still look to Him during these bad days.
So do I matter? Of course I do. 🙂
And so do you. 🙂