Confined

I have mentioned about this blog in my old blogsite, and in one of my previous entries. I wrote this around 3 months ago, when I knew I was lost, and in need of a break from everything, just so I can have time for myself, and time to just bask in the love of the Lord.

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I know I’ve got so many ideas that in one sitting, I can already come up with numerous entries for my blog. I think, when I get to really think about it, I can actually write enough chapters for a book. So why haven’t I?

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These ideas are all in this thing called my #MomBrain. And they are confined there. For how long, I don’t know.

I was on my way to a retreat and was just looking outside the window. I thought about how I missed my kid already, even if it wasn’t even an hour that we are apart. I was thinking about where my husband could be having his breakfast and working on the prompters and lyrics for the following day’s service. I was thinking about my parents, how they have yet again been so generous (or perhaps they just had to oblige to my request) of taking in my daughter for a couple of hours, and that included giving her a bath, changing her nappy when she pooped, and feeding her lunch.

Then of course, I thought about what might happen in the retreat.

I have waited for this retreat for quite some time now. I even felt a little sleepless because I was excited. And I also felt a little anxious about how much of my confined self will finally be set free in this retreat.

I know we’re still a few miles away from the venue. And as of this paragraphs, two hours until the first session of the retreat. And I already know that God’s timing is just perfect.

The gospel earlier was about the prodigal son. And somehow, I related, of course not in terms of how I wasted away my parents’ hard earned money (or did I?) but in terms of how I knew I’ve hurt them before, and how I have somehow felt that I have wasted my life away… I’m not saying I’ve wasted my life now, but I guess if people were to judge it based on where I studied and my work experiences and then settling to be a stay-at-home, full-time mom…

(I suddenly realize it’s a mistake sitting at the far back of the van taking us to the venue.. So bouncy, hahaha!)

And then they would see me as a housewife, subjected to the some of the lowliest tasks by someone with a college degree like cleaning the toilet, mopping floors, and taking out the trash… Wait, did I just judge myself?

See, there is the problem… As I confine my thoughts in my brain and just allow it to brew without ever touching paper or .doc files, I become that prodigal son, who went on a pity party, comparing himself to servants, willing to live in a pig sty and have a share of their food.

But in a good way, as I transform to that prodigal son, I also, somehow, remember the need to humble myself and admit my faults (far too many) and return to the Father to be cleansed. That I need not confine myself to pity parties and negativity. And of course, God has never deprived me of that forgiveness, and of course, His love.

Last night, after our prayer before bed time, I talked to my daughter, even if I’m fully aware that she maynot completely understand it. I told her that I will be on a retreat, and that when I come back, I’ll love her more. I told her that I need her to help her Dadee and not be difficult to deal with while I’m away. And through that faint light coming from my husband’s cellphone, I saw her nod as if to understand what I was saying. I said, “I love you,” and she replied back, and with a hug, and then scooting closer to my side of the bed. She did not resist my arm around her (she never did anyway.. Hehehe!) And with that, I know that everything is going to be fine.

After the retreat, I know I wouldn’t be a better person right away, but I believe I’ve started on the right track. I will subject myself to God’s disturbance, but of course, just allow Him and just be ready to receive His love. I’ll have more chances to write, and perhaps more topics will be cooked in my mind. But I just need to really step back and allow everything to unfold as it does.

Like this entry. 😊

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