It’s day 3 of the year 2020 for me, my part of the world, and already, I’m a little bit frustrated. It got to a point that I asked God and my husband a lot of questions:
1. Am I being a good wife? Because I’ve felt like I’m good-for-nothing. That I’m just at home, reduced to doing the lowliest of things, like cleaning the toilet, cutting grass, and desiring things like a Black & Decker power drill, with all types of accessories.
2. Am I an effective servant of God? Because I’ve felt that I haven’t channeled His love to other people effectively. I’m not even sure if I’ve actually genuinely blessed other people through this blog. Like I couldn’t live up to being guided by God… Or maybe I’m really just frustrated now that I couldn’t write much… And now my websites having some trouble… 😭😭
3. Am I a good mother? Because… Yeah, I know I shouldn’t but I’ve compared my daughter to other kids, and I’ve compared myself to other mothers.. And I don’t know if I can really be Teacher Mommy to my kid, after getting frustrated with solving a puzzle earlier.. 😭
4. Am I even a good person, at all? Because, most of the time, I think I’m bad, and I’m not good enough…
I guess this kind of thinking happens to a lot of people, too… I don’t know where it’s coming from, and it’s most likely triggered by a lot of things… Ultimately leaving me frustrated about so many things.
And so, I seek answers from His word, and came upon this.
“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”
Somehow I wasn’t too assured at first, because it felt like I should feel this way often, just to get God’s attention.. The frustrations, the brokenness… But then, it just gives me the reminder that I can allow myself to be frustrated… To be broken.. To feel crushed.. Because those are times when I know I need God more than ever. And I would be vulnerable to just accept what He does..
I don’t usually make sense when I’m frustrated about stuff… But I hope that if someone gets hold of this blog, they would know that they aren’t alone on whatever they’re feeling. And that it validates their feelings…